


Always With Me

by lasprezzatura



Category: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi | Spirited Away
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Chihiro can't remember, Childhood Memories, Dreams, F/M, First Love, Follows Chihiro as she grows older, Forehead Kisses, Haku grows older as Chihiro grows older, Haku ties himself with another river near Chihiro, Longing, Magic, Not Beta Read, Other quotes are translated from the song "Always With Me" from the movie as well, Rivers, Set after "Spirited Away", Some quotes are taken from the movie, Soulmates, Swimming, but she tries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24503302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasprezzatura/pseuds/lasprezzatura
Summary: When Chihiro dreams, she dreams of crossing a bridge while holding her breath, holding a hand of someone she does not remember. She dreams of a dragon with scales made out of water, flying in the air, looking into warm eyes. She dreams of a barn with gluttonous pigs, of a witch and her sister, of spirits with fool's gold. She dreams of a train ride with no luggage, silent save for the constant lull of the engine, sitting next to strangers whose faces she can't see.When she dreams, she dreams of a promise, of walking away, of not looking back.And when she wakes up, she calls out a name she always forgets, and has the strange desire to go swim.
Relationships: Haku | Nigihayami Kohakunushi/Ogino Chihiro
Comments: 24
Kudos: 162





	1. Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten

When Chihiro was 10 years old, something happened to her.

Something she can't remember.

Her parents were the ones to question her about it.

"Don't you want to go outside and play?" Her mother asks, tilting her head as she watches her daughter stare out the window. Her eyes are faraway, as if recalling memories that no 10 year old should have. She exchanges a glance with her husband, who is also staring at Chihiro with a frown in his face.

Chihiro doesn't answer, only turning around when her father speaks up. "C'mon, how about you go get your mother some flowers, huh? There's some pretty daisies by the river."

She almost says no, but the word _river_ stops her. Sighing, she nods, and picks up a basket from the kitchen.

"I'll be back before sundown." She calls out behind her, and leaves the house before she can hear her mother or father answer.

The path is worn, clearly marked, with all of the grass pressed against the soil as it leads her through the forest and into the small river. As she draws closer and closer to it, she begins to hear the stream, the rushing of the water, the gentle sway of the trees.

She walks faster.

The forest opens up before her, and the wind picks up slightly once she is in the banks of the river.

Chihiro exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding, and hurriedly puts down the basket by her side, her eyes trained on the clear shine of the waters. Sometimes, if she looks hard enough, she feels like she can see a pair of eyes, green like the deeper parts of the river. But when she shakes her head, there's no one there, and she is alone.

She closes her eyes, and wades into the quiet of the stream, letting the cold of the river seep into her clothes and into her bones, feeling the waves of the water inviting her to dance along. She lets the river press her closer to it, lets it embrace her, lets it guide her deeper and deeper.

Her body floats, with only her face above the water, and she feels free.

She feels like she is home.

Chihiro stays there until the sun hangs just above the horizon, with the moon creeping from the opposite side, pushing closer and closer until the stars appear alongside it. She stays floating, her limbs becoming one with the soft movements of the river, her eyes closed as she listens to the quiet all around her.

It is then that she remembers the feeling of drowning, of kicking her feet wildly, of gasping for air only to breathe in water. She remembers how, years before, she almost drowned in a river, only for the river to save her.

For a moment, for just a single moment, she lets her body become heavier, inhaling deeply before letting her face submerge under the water. 

She doesn't breathe, not wanting to disrupt anything around her, and suddenly remembers crossing a bridge while holding in her breath. She remembers the faces of the spirits, the lights of the town, the feeling of someone protecting her.

She remembers.

With a gasp, she resurfaces, coughing and rubbing her eyes as she tries to swim to the shore.

But her body is tired, and her mind is exhausted from trying to remember more, to fill in the blanks in her memory.

She just wants to sink down, and let the water embrace her like she wants to embrace him again.

Chihiro closes her eyes, but before she could do anything, a small wave pushes her towards the edge of the river.

She crawls towards the grass, turning so her back is flat against the ground, and stares at the night sky. She thinks she sees something flying above her, something long and blue and shiny. But when she rubs her eyes, it is gone.

Frustrated, and still gasping slightly for air, she picks herself up, only now noticing that she is missing her left shoe.

Looking at the water, her eyes strain to see now that it is dark. With a sigh, she stands up, readying herself to walk home barefooted when she notices her missing shoe just a few meters away.

She looks around, turning her body to try to catch sight of something, of someone, but there's nothing, no one. She's alone.

Her eyes are drawn to the water again, and when she puts her shoes on, ready to leave, something stops her.

A feeling.

Chihiro retraces her steps, crouching so her face is directly above the river, and she lets her forehead touch the water again, lets her fingers graze the current softly.

"Goodbye," she whispers, and walks away.

She fails to notice the young boy standing in the water, staring fondly as he smiles and waves at her, because she does not look back.

The path back to her house was quicker than she expected, and when she stands in front of the door, she notices that her whole body is violently shaking, cold.

She sniffles, and knocks.

Her mother opens the door, her face carrying deep lines of stress as she takes in the image of her daughter.

"Chihiro! What in the world-"

But Chihiro only looks at her, and it is then that her mother notices the tears in her child's face.

Her mother comes forward, embracing her, not caring about the water making her clothes wet as well. She rubs her head, patting her back, humming softly. Her voice is heard throughout the house in a gentle whisper, "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay."

"What happened, Chihiro?" Her father asks as he walks towards them, his voice soft unlike anything she has ever heard before.

She cries harder, pressing closer to her mother's chest. "I don't know, I don't know."

"What? Chihiro-"

"I can't remember!" She cries out, looking at her parents with such anguish in her eyes that they are left confused and scared at being unable to help her.

Instead of speaking, her mother gathers her in her arms again, with her father hugging them both.

And as the tears fall, she shakes against the bodies of her parents, wishing to be able to explain why she feels this emptiness inside of her.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 10 years old, something happened to her.

Something she can't remember.

But it is at night when she finds a world where her answers lay.

When Chihiro dreams, she dreams of crossing a bridge while holding her breath, holding a hand of someone she does not remember. She dreams of a dragon with scales made out of water, flying in the air, looking into warm eyes. She dreams of a barn with gluttonous pigs, of a witch and her sister, of spirits with fool's gold. She dreams of a train ride with no luggage, silent save for the constant lull of the engine, sitting next to strangers whose faces she can't see.

When she dreams, she dreams of a promise, of walking away, of not looking back.

And when she wakes up, she calls out a name she always forgets, and has the strange desire to go swim.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 13 years old, she saw a young mother holding her crying baby in her arms, repeatedly shushing and swaying him to quiet his frantic cries.

The people around them in the supermarket began to stare and whisper behind palms, but no matter how softly the mother sang, how gently she bounced him, the baby would not stop crying.

Chihiro walked towards the mother, picking up a toy car from the checkout aisle. She held it above the baby, giggling when his cries lessened for a moment. When she puffed out her cheeks, making a _vroom vroom_ sound, he stared widely at her, his cries switching to hesitant coos as his chubby hands tried to grab on to the toy she was swinging above him.

"He just wants you to play with him," she told the mother, who stared at Chihiro with wide eyes, but gave her a smile nonetheless.

Chihiro walked back to her mother, who had noticed but decided to not say anything. She grabbed her hand, and the two of them watched as the mother laughed softly, her shoulders dropping in relief as her baby giggled, swinging the toy in his fist.

He just wanted to play with his mother.

She grabs the purple hairband that was around her wrist, and puts her hair into a ponytail, smiling as she remembers the feeling of adventure, of walking down a railroad track alongside a small mouse with a big heart and a little bird loyally by his side.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 14 years old, she remembered her dreams for the first time.

That night, she had fallen asleep on top of her covers only to wake up on top of a dragon, flying across the ocean after a downpour, seeing the stars so closely that if she reached up her hand, she was sure she could touch them. 

She had leaned closer to the body under her, smiling as she saw the passing lights of the magical town that had become her home for a short while. She caught sight of the fading smoke from a coal room, of the open windows to a dorm near the bathhouse, of a picturesque barn that had held her parents.

And when she whispered, "I remember now," the dragon under her turned into a boy, grown slightly older just like her, but with the same eyes and smile.

"Chihiro," he whispered, and he turned until he faced her completely, his voice was carried through the wind. "Do you remember when you fell into me?"

"Yes," she breathed out, closing her eyes as she smiled unrestrained, unafraid. "I remember everything."

He laughed, and grabbed her arms to pull her into a hug, with her face now hidden in the crook of his neck.

And they fell, but they fell together.

But when she woke up, her heart running wildly from the feeling of falling, she forgot his name.

Closing her eyes, her forehead furrowed as she remembered the beautiful flight, the helpless laughter, the soft stars. But she could not remember his name.

With tears falling down her cheeks, she gripped the purple hair tie her friends had woven together, and thought of how cruel the world was, for making her forget.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 17 years old, she had a crush for what seemed like the first time, although it didn't quite feel like a first love.

He was quiet, but with a sense of humor, and always followed Chihiro wherever she decided to go, whether that be the amusement park, or the homely cafe, or to the cinema. She never took him to the river, though, and perhaps that hesitation is what made her understand.

He was nice. He was comfort. And he wasn't what Chihiro wanted.

Because when she would look at him, she couldn't see the water reflected in his eyes, could not see the elation of flying alongside her closest friend, could not see the love she has come to expect from her dreams.

And so she walked away from him, and did not look back.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 18 years old, recently admitted into college, she did not want to leave her home.

It wasn't just because of her parents, or because of her house or her room.

It was because she did not want to part ways with the river she would always go to.

She would sit with her feet submerged in the river, holding her forehead in her hands as she expressed her feeling of being lost to the current.

"I don't know what to do," she admits, picking up her head to gaze at the crystal waters she has grown to call home.

The world is peacefully quiet all around her, with the trees dancing to a soft melody sung by the wind, the moon winking up above and the river waving back.

The water pushed softly against her legs, and for a moment, she thought she heard a voice whispering "go," but a quick glance told her she was alone.

Releasing a deep sigh, she stood up, not bothering to put her shoes back on, and turned her back towards the river, ready to walk away.

But, something stopped her.

Without knowing why, she turns around, kneels, and places her forehead gently against the waters, breathing out, "I'll come back. I promise."

And promises are not meant to be broken.

Then, she stands once again, and walks away.

She fails to notice the older boy standing just a few meters away from her, reaching out with his hand as if to call out to her, to say _stay_.

Instead, he lets her walk away, smiling slightly as he notices how she stops for a moment, as if to turn around, only to keep walking.

And she never sees him, because she does not look back.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 18 years old, in her first night at college, she dreams of another life.

She dreams of a bouquet of bent flowers, of blistering heat in her face, heavy weight in her arms, of waking up early and walking towards a bridge. She dreams of mud hiding the true faces of people, of papers flying in the air, of holding train tickets to a road she has not traveled ever since.

That night, Chihiro dreams of the river near her childhood home, of tentatively reaching out to touch someone's hand, of someone remembering her name.

When she wakes up, she can't remember his name, but she remembers his face, his smile, and the feel of his forehead against hers as they fly through the skies.

She wishes she could live that life again, but when the morning comes, her classes begin, and she is back to the mundane world with a bitter smile in her face.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 25 years old, she returned to her childhood home after finishing school, not quite ready to begin her adult life by living alone.

The first thing she did after hugging and talking with her parents was to walk briskly across the forest, and get to the river she had been aching to feel for so long.

This time, however, she wasn't alone.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 25 years old, she met a man whom she felt she had met a long time ago.

He was standing in the river, his pants pulled up to his knees as he picked up the trash all along the surface, cleaning the water.

His hair was the color of olives, clearly long but slightly held back with a red string. And for some reason, Chihiro thought he looked very familiar.

She tilted her head, but walked closer until she was beside him, and leaned down to pick up the plastic wrappers and aluminium cans all over the river.

He looked at her, and she looked at him, both still crouched, yet neither said anything.

But his green eyes reminded her of something, although she couldn't quite place her finger on what.

They worked together to rid the river of the trash all along it, and when the night began to near, she stared at the full moon up above them.

She peeked a glance at him, and found him staring at her with soft eyes.

"Have we met before?" She blurted, and felt her cheeks redden when he smiled at her, almost encouragingly.

"In another life, perhaps."

His voice was like a lullaby, comforting, and familiar. She felt her body relax as they silently agreed to sit on the bank of the river, their feet still in the water.

She pondered his words for a second. He looked back at the river, where their legs almost brushed.

"This river feels like home to me."

The confession made her chest feel lighter, and when his gaze snapped back to her, she _knew_ they had known each other before.

Under the moonlight, they watched each other gently like the current beneath their feet.

He reminded her of those strange dreams she would get sometimes, the faded memories she would try to cling on to. He reminded her of the ache she would feel when she swims in the river late at night, feeling like she is with someone only for her to always be alone.

But not anymore.

The corner of his lips turned up. "Maybe it used to be your home, once upon a time."

Chihiro grinned at his indirect answers, and shuffled slightly closer to him, watching with a bated breath as he did the same.

And when he put his arm around her, she did not move away, nor did she flinch at the closeness of a stranger (though he felt anything but).

Instead, she leaned into him, and they watched in silence as the stars swayed in the reflection of the water.

Not for the first time, Chihiro wished she could go back to those days of her youth, the days of her childhood where she lived through everything she now wishes to remember.

If only her dreams were real, then maybe she would be able to board a train, and travel to every day she missed, every day she forgot to cherish- just once more.

"I just want to remember," she muttered, and he tightened his grip on her, sighing.

He put his head above hers, and she let her head fall against his chest, curling her arm around his chest.

She knew him. She knew him, she knew that. But from where? Was it really from another life, like he said?

Or where her dreams always real? Had he truly been the one beside her, when she had flown across the skies at night, holding hands with someone as they fell together?

Was that someone sitting next to her now?

But, she could not remember his name.

Why couldn't she remember?

He knew what she was thinking, because he grabbed her hand, interlocking them like it was a second nature to them.

"You never forgot." He responded, and she pulled slightly away to look into his eyes.

Green, like a dragon's.

They stayed in each other's arms for the rest of the night, and when Chihiro fell asleep against him, she dreamed of a river spirit who protected her, who saved her, who became her friend and first love.

But when she woke up, she was leaning against the base of a tree, alone.

Before she walked home that night, she pressed her forehead against the river, and let her lips graze the waters.

Whispering, "goodbye," she walked away, and did not look back.

And just behind her, the man stood in the river, his hand gingerly touching his lips as he gazed at her with wonder in his eyes.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 25 years old, after meeting the man by the river, she remembers.

When she dreams, she dreams she is falling while holding the hands of someone.

Not just someone. Haku.

She leans her forehead against his, and smiles with tears in her eyes, "I found you. I finally found you."

Haku smiles, grabbing Chihiro and bringing her closer as they fall from the sky, together.

"Chihiro," he breathes out against her ear. "I've always been here."

She closes her eyes, and buries her face in his neck, feeling the water touch their feet before they are flying again.

"I've always been here," Haku repeats, and Chihiro wakes up crying without knowing why.

She looks around, her hands clenched as if they were holding on to someone, but she is alone.

And when she runs towards the river, barefooted and still in her pajamas, he is no longer there.

And she doesn't see him again, not for a long time.

When she walks away, she doesn't notice the man behind her, staring wistfully at her retreating figure, wishing he could take her in his arms again, embrace her with the river, help her remember.

But she doesn't see him, because she does not look back.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 27 years old, she falls in love again, although it never quite feels like her first time.

He is slightly older than her, loyal, and never fails to bring a smile to her face. He takes her hand delicately and shows her hidden spots in the forest, lovely ways to see the sunset, divine things in the mundane world worthy of being a part of her dreams.

She feels like she is betraying someone every time she feels happy with him, and more often than not, doubt clouds her mind as she debates with herself.

It isn't until she dreams about _him_ again, that she finally understands.

"Chihiro," he whispers, and this time, they are standing in the middle of the bridge connecting his world to her world. She remembers holding on to his arm while she held her breath, afraid of breaking a magic spell with her presence.

Only now, they are not the same as they were before.

"Haku," she breathes out, and she remembers.

He smiles at her, bringing her to his arms. And she goes naturally, because they never had to try to be something, they just always were.

They were as seamless and effortless like the waters flowing down the river, like the cherry blossoms that fall in autumn, like the sun kissing the moon goodbye every night.

And then there they were, together again, bounded by their dreams.

Haku leaned down, and placed a kiss on Chihiro's forehead. Then, he leaned his own head against hers, and they stayed there, for a long time.

He broke the spell of the silence. "Live."

"What?"

"Live." Haku repeats, taking her hand in his, and suddenly they were in the sky again, flying among the stars, waving hello to the winking moon. "I want you to live."

"What are you talking about-"

"Don't stick to the ground, when you could fly," he said, his eyes clear, spinning her gently in a dance with the wind, "not because of me."

She sighed, and turned her head away from him, pursing her lips. "It's not-"

"Don't fight your smiles, or hide your laughter," he takes her chin in his hand, turning so she is facing him again, "not because of me."

"Haku-" Chihiro starts, but can't find the right words to say.

"Don't look back," he whispers, pressing a kiss on her forehead, a kiss that made her close her eyes and forever wish for more, "not because of me."

When she wakes up, she wakes up holding her hand against her chest, her eyes lacking tears.

She turns, looking at the moon shining brightly outside her window.

Chihiro sees something fly smoothly against the sky, swimming across the river of stars.

And she smiles when she catches sight of scales made out of water.

She turns back to her bed, and she does not look back.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 27 years old, she lives.

She lives, without knowing what it is she is missing, but missing something (someone) regardless.

She lives, without ever looking back.

Sometimes, she would stare off, trying to remember a name buried in her mind. Sometimes, she would go swimming, trying to find that same feeling of the embrace where someone once held her like she was the whole world.

Sometimes, she would try to remember, but she would never forget to live.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

When Chihiro was 33 years old, she went swimming to the same river by her childhood house.

Only this time, she wore a ring in her left hand, and she is no longer alone.

Because waiting for her back in the city, is a husband who cherishes her, and whom she is thankful to have.

But as she lets her body fall into the river, as she falls effortlessly and helplessly like she always did, she feels like coming home.

Chihiro floats in the gentle waves, feeling the water embrace her once again, after years of forgetting how the river makes her feel like flying.

Day turns to night, and the sun kisses the moon goodbye.

And she stays there, unafraid, because she once met someone by this river who made her feel magical-

Who told her to live.

That night, when she leaves, she kneels in the river bank, and presses her forehead against the water.

"Goodbye." She mumbles, and begins to walk away.

She does not look back.

Maybe that is why she doesn't notice a man standing behind her, the same man that has always stood behind her, watching with hidden regret as she walks away from him, knowing he could have stopped her, but knowing that he would never do that to her.

A dragon never clips another dragon's wings.

He wants her to be happy.

And one day, he knows, he will see her again.

One day, he will get to hold her in his arms again.

One day, she will fly along his side.

Because he made a promise to her, and promises are not meant to be broken.

He turns away from her, and walks away.

He does not look back.

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

**...**


	2. Can Be Found Within Me

**Whispers That Cannot Be Forgotten**

**...**

When Chihiro was 10 years old, something happened to her.

Something she can't remember.

Sometimes, she wakes up with tears in her face as she tries to cling to the fading scraps of her dreams. She reaches out, and tries to hold on, tries to not forget the feeling of the water beneath her feet as she boarded a train with no return. She tries to engrave the feeling of flying across the skies, holding on to someone who she could not remember, but could never truly forget.

Sometimes, she wakes up knowing that she cannot go back to those days, and that these fading dreams are all she has.

But when she goes swimming to the river near her old home, she feels like she gets closer to that world.

She feels that, for a moment, she belongs there.

But then when she walks away, she dares not look back.

Because she remembers the words of a friend, a promise to see each other again.

And promises are not meant to be broken.

**Can Be Found Within Me**

When Chihiro was 82, she went swimming one last time.

She walked the path she has walked a million times before, the road engraved with her footsteps as she goes to the river she has never once forgotten.

The water is slightly cold, bringing shivers up her spine, but the water embraces her, and soon enough, she feels warm again.

But instead of staying in the river, she keeps walking forward, and eventually, Chihiro crosses the river for the first time.

And as she steps closer and closer, she feels her body get younger and younger. With one step, she is 70, with another she is 30. Each step is a year left behind, until before her stands the entrance of the red tunnel, overtaken by nature, the door to a world she's longed to see again. And as she walks forward, she does not look back.

Chihiro gasps when she notices her hands fading, becoming translucent, but her sight is still firm on the bridge in front of her, which she once walked away from, and never again returned.

Not until now.

She grabs the purple tie around her wrist, and gathers her grown hair back into a ponytail again.

Inhaling deeply, she walks forward with her chin held high, shoulders back, a young girl in body but an ageless woman in mind.

She crosses the bridge, unknowingly holding her breath as she took step after step, remembering passing though the crowd of spirits, unseen save from the two spirits that became her friends.

And when her foot hovers above the other side, she exhales the air she had been holding, and walks to the other side of the world.

Everything is the same.

"You came back."

A voice behind her said, and her eyes began to fill with tears as everything came back to her. Because as one wise woman once said, sometimes we might have a hard time remembering, but we never really forget.

And Chihiro never forgot.

She feels him get closer to her, his footsteps crossing the same bridge she had just crossed. The air behind her feels warmer, and she knows that if she reaches back, she will be able to touch him.

Haku.

"You came back," he repeats in a whisper, and she reaches her hand back, grabbing his, ready to never let go again.

Because he promised they would see each other again some day.

And promises are not meant to be broken.

 _Now_ , she thinks, smiling, _I promise to never forget._

She looks back.


End file.
